he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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