He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
