you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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