Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
