last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
