i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
