The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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