Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
