im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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