I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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