his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
