sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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