Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
