OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
