I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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