Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
