when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
