so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
