I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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