Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
