Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
