Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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