I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
