I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
