you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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