I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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