Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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