I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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