Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
