During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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