I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just high enough for therapy.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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