We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
