she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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