i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
