I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
A bitchslap is in order.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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