I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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