Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
