I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
