Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
