So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
