; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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