I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
