Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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