What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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