i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
