My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
