you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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