She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
