u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
