Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
